In life, there are areas where you get to choose the people you spend time with. You get to choose your friends, your business partners, your significant others, and in some cases, your team members if you’re the hiring manager with the final say. Yet as you know, there are other areas where the choice is made for you like family of course, and your co-workers. Some co-workers are great. I used to work at a financial services company where a group of us liked each other a lot. The work hours weren’t enough for us, so we spent even more time with each other not only during lunch but also at restaurants after work. I even met up with them on a day in the Hamptons and at one of their family’s summer barbeques. That’s when I knew I really got along well with the people I was working with. But then there are co-workers that you’re just finding it a bit challenging to connect with. You start to ask yourself: am I misreading them or is it me? Did I do something offensive to them? What could I have said that has made them stand off-ish, rude, maybe even warm one day and cold the next? It doesn’t feel good when there’s tension with others around you, especially if you have to spend multiple hours with them or work with them closely on a project. But this shouldn’t be something that makes your time at work unenjoyable. No one should have that kind of power. But honestly, it’s hard to not let it get into your head. So let’s look at some ways to tackle this workplace shenanigan.
LOVE THEM.
We’re just going to get right to the good stuff. This piece of advice is the most powerful and yet the most challenging. Who really wants to love a person who is showing quite clearly that they don’t like you, let alone love you? Our natural instinct is to avoid them or clap back, depending on your natural inclination to opposition from others. However, you can do it, and when you do, you’ll begin to see a shift in your dynamic with that person. It’s not to say that you will change them, although you may influence change in their demeanor when they start to feel your love towards them. But more importantly, the love you give to this person will change you. It will change your heart towards someone who may be unhappy, insecure or hurting inside, which could be what’s really appearing in their attitude. You will find yourself more compassionate towards others. It will change you to be more like Jesus, not expecting anything in return for the kindness that you offer.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” Matthew 5:43-47
What does this love look like? That’s a great question, and an important one. The reason being is because the definition of love varies from person to person. But if we look at God’s definition of love, it makes this call much more clear and solid.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
- When they’re acting in ways that frustrate you. Be patient. If you have to excuse yourself and find a place to pray, go and do just that.
- When they did or said something rude or unnecessary. Be kind. Counter that rude gesture with a kind gesture.
- When they’re rewarded for something they’ve done. Do not envy. Congratulate them sincerely.
- When you have a chance to make them feel small because of something great you’ve done. Be humble. Do not boast, don’t be prideful.
- When there’s an opportunity to say something nice about this person to them directly or in a group, go for it! Honor them. Do it for no recognition at all but only to glorify God by how Christ-like you are.
- When they push your buttons. Avoid getting angry. Again, go and pray.
- When they repeat an offense. Don’t keep a record. Pray for them.
It’s the last part of this scripture that always gives me hope, which is, “Love never fails.” This wraps everything in a nice, tight, secure bow. The fact that you’re making the effort to love will result in victory! It doesn’t matter if each step you take, gesture you make, kind word you say is executed well or lands perfectly causing the person to completely change their demeanor with you. But God said, love never fails, so something great is going to come from this. That something great could be eventually a new found friend in this person, a seed planted that later may spark an interest in following Jesus because of you, and even a closer walk with God for yourself. There will be no failure in your pursuit to love this person who is a challenge to get along with.
APPROACH THEM.
Sometimes what we think someone’s thinking, isn’t what they’re thinking. Sometimes we can think someone did something for a specific reason, and that’s actually far from what they were thinking. How can we get that wrong? Because we don’t know people’s thoughts until we give them a chance to share their thoughts. One of the worst things Satan does is inspire you to think thoughts that aren’t helpful or true. And his goal is not only that you think the thoughts, but also that you ruminate over them to the point where you think they are facts. Get clear on what’s going on and open the door for healthy dialogue that can result in a healthier relationship with your co-worker.
Ask them for a few moments of their time, just one-on-one with you and ask them, ‘what is your problem’, in a nicer, more cordial way of course.
Here’s a great way to open up the conversation:
- First share with them that you value them and your working relationship with them.
- Share with them something that you appreciate about them.
- Let them know what you’ve noticed in the relationship dynamic between you two. Share how you feel about that.
- Give them the floor to express their thoughts about what you’ve brought to their attention.
- If they don’t see what you see, you’ll have to let it go and thank them for hearing you out. “Thank goodness it was nothing. I must have been reading things incorrectly.” And if they do bring up something, identify what you can do on your end to make the situation better. Also, feel free to ask them if they have any recommendations on how to make things better.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24
It may not be perfect, it may not result in you two skipping down the road holding hands, but it does open communication between you two. It presents an opportunity for honesty, vulnerability and connection.
Be at peace about the outcome no matter which direction it goes, favorable or not-so-favorable. Be at peace knowing that you have done what you could to make things work. And be at peace that when you do the righteous things you can do, God’s got you covered.
“When the ways of a man are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even those who hate him to be at peace with him.” Proverbs 16:7
REFLECTION SCRIPTURE.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Q: What does having peace in Jesus look like in your scenario?
Rise and shine bright.