Some people are very aware of their people-pleasing practices. They’ve openly admitted that it has a stronghold on them at times. It’s not something they want to do, but it can be a tendency when put in particular triggering situations when the only answer they can form is an agreeable “yes”, whether they want to or not. I myself am a recovering people-pleaser. I was meeting with a spiritual mentor one time as I expressed how overwhelmed I felt with life. She asked how many projects I was working on at the moment, and the number was a whopping ten. Why? When there was a need, or someone in a meeting asked “who’d like to take on this project”, or because I knew I could help, my hand would go up. Sometimes I was approached and sometimes my overzealous hand just couldn’t help but volunteer for yet another responsibility. This could be in church, at work, or whatever social circle I was in. Clearly something was wrong. I was addicted to pleasing-people.
Did you know…
People-pleasing can fall under the buckets of validation-seeking (or acceptance), fear of potential loss, or even fear of conflict. Also, many times this is caused by previous traumas.
We’ll go through some scriptures to let the Bible help us understand people-pleasing and how to make the best decision for each scenario that comes up in daily life as potential people-pleasing landmines.
PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 2 Timothy 4:3
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Paul just finished explaining to the Galatians (in 1:10) not to let anyone confuse them about the truth that they’ve been taught already. And if he ever becomes the cause of confusion by not teaching the right thing, that he should be cursed, himself! He made it clear that he’s not in the service of pleasing-people, but of pleasing God.
There’s nothing wrong with serving people to encourage them, but there’s a fine line between service to encourage and service to ensure that someone is pleased with you. A question to ask that helps differentiate this fine line is:
Q: What is motivating me to make this accommodation for this individual or group?
THE INTEREST
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4
If we’re really honest with ourselves, which is the only way this will work, sometimes we can say “yes” to something because it not only helps others, but the bigger priority may be that it helps ourselves. This isn’t always obvious, by the way so no judgement. No judgement either way. I’ve done it too. Some motives can be to feel: valuable, needed, seen, heard, secure, important.
This scripture helps us to check that and with clear direction.
Q: If I do this, is it about their interest or is it about mine?
Q: If I do this, will this truly be looking out for this person? i.e. Will this be beneficial or overall healthy for the person in the short or long term.
NO, IS A SENTENCE
All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24
It’s good to know that although we might have the capacity or ability to do ‘the thing’, “no” is an appropriate answer to use if necessary–in a kind and gentle way, of course.
Sidenote that in the event you’ve decided not to get involved, it’s also a great opportunity to share recommendations of alternatives for how that person can still achieve their goal. That’s a way to serve as well, without having to commit to everything that’s requested of you (especially if that’s your tendency).
GET A CREW
“Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” Exodus 18:17-23 (Exodus 18:17-26)
This entire passage helps to explain how essential the method of delegation is. Moses was taking the ‘weight of the world’ and putting it onto his shoulders. Have you ever felt that way, perhaps at home, work, in ministry, etc.? Maybe you need to remain involved but the way you’re doing it is causing you to be the point person for way too much which isn’t conducive to the growth of others in this area, your well-being, and could also plant a seed of bitterness that may grow over time.
What Moses’ father-in-law taught him was genius. Delegation. This is not a new concept but many of us don’t use it. Countless successful businesses, organizations, even families use the method of delegation, and perhaps that’s the method that will pull you out of the people-pleaser position, allowing others to share the work.
FOR A RELATIONSHIP
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God—even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Corinthians 10:31-33
Sometimes the easiest way to circumvent people-pleasing and be for certain you’re doing ‘the thing’ whatever it may be, for the right reason, is by simply asking yourself, “will this help someone know God?”
Overall, when the motivation is upright, people-pleasing will become less and a servant-heart fueled by pure motives will become more.
Rise & Shine Bright. <3