Whether a coworker, a parent, a friend, a partner or leader–people will do you wrong. It’s inevitable. Why? Humans are flawed. You’re flawed. I’m flawed. The people in your life have flaws. In addition to that, we all have our own opinions, ways of processing life, and traumas that influence how we act, think, speak, and feel. When someone did something that hurt you, offended you or made you upset, it’s not always because they’re trying to inflict harm on you. Although, there are some cases where the person may be trying to cause some harm. Either way, it can often stem from, not necessarily who you are, but rather what that person is going through. You feeling hurt to the point of unforgiveness could be coming from the pain of feeling less than what you are worth, by what they said, did or neglected to do. And that’s when unforgiveness seems like it’ll make you “feel better.” If this is the case, the issue is an inside job. Actually, all cases of forgiveness are inside jobs, first.
To forgive in the Greek is Aphiēmi, and it means to release. This release is not contingent upon a person’s expression of remorse or an offering of an apology. It’s an undeserved release from the grips of resentment, bitterness and pain. When we forgive, we open the bars and let our captives be set free.
Unforgiveness is a form of bondage but not just for the person/people, but a bondage for ourselves–a spiritual bondage. It may feel good to hold your heart back from a person because it seems like protection or satisfaction in a way. The opposite is true. Unforgiveness grows into full-blown bitterness which causes damaged relationships, toxic thoughts, stress, depression, isolation and loneliness, unwise decision making, etc. Unforgiveness does not protect. It does not satisfy. It only wreaks havoc on the heart, mind and spirit.
If you’re finding it hard to break free from the struggle of unforgiveness and you actually want to forgive the person/people who have hurt you, God’s word has the power to help. Let’s let the scriptures show us how to overcome the battle from within, and achieve a heart of forgiveness. A heart aligned with the heart of Jesus.
-QUIET TIME STARTS HERE-
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Ephesians 6:12-14
Q: What does this scripture tell me about the cause of the conflict or pain involving this person/offender(s)?
Q: What are the “spiritual forces of evil?”
Q: What “spiritual forces of evil” could the person/offender(s) have been impacted by (currently or in their past) to have caused them to speak/act in a way that created the conflict/pain?
“Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.” Acts 7:60
Background: This was Stephen speaking, the first Christian martyr (murdered for his faith). He prayed this last prayer for the people who were murdering him, right before he died.
Q: Why did Stephen make this statement?
Q: What is this account reminiscent of, involving ‘a major figure’ in the Bible? Explain.
Q: What can I adopt from the heart of Stephen about the person/offender(s)?
“Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.”
The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” Luke 23:34-36
Jesus was being disrespected, abused, tortured, and his response was a prayer to God the Father to forgive his offenders. He shows a side of love that is challenging to emulate, yet possible.
Q: Why should I love the person/offender(s) the way Jesus loved the rulers and soldiers?
Q: If boundaries are necessary depending on the severity of the situation, Q: In what ways can I love the person/offender(s) while maintaining healthy boundaries?
Note: Feel free to seek multiple trusted Christian advisors for biblical feedback on your ideas of boundaries and love. Proverbs 15:22
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15
Q: If God doesn’t forgive my sin because I haven’t forgiven someone else’s sin, what does that mean about my relationship with God here on earth, and my relationship with God in eternity?
Reflection: Based on this passage, rate the importance of the topic of forgiveness between 1 and 10–one being the lowest and 10 being the highest. Explain why?
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Q: Jesus challenges us to examine ourselves before we examine others. What sin of my own can I remember that will help me have a sober and softened heart about this person, producing a heart to forgive.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22 (Read the full passage: Matthew 18:21-35)
Q: Jesus said to forgive a fellow Christian who sins against me 7 times 77 times. He does not mean 539 times. 7 signifies completeness. Complete forgiveness is what he’s talking about. Complete forgiveness has no limit. Why does Jesus say to never stop forgiving one another?
Q: Jesus correlates the Kingdom of God (God’s family in heaven and on earth) to forgiveness. In what way do I see this correlation in terms of my own forgiveness and being able to remain a member of the Kingdom of God. (v. 32-35)
“But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:5-6
One of the markings of a true Christian is obeying God and living like Jesus. In the previous passages, we see how Jesus lived–a life of compassion by way of forgiveness.
Q: What is one thing I will do to truly go after complete forgiveness for the person/offender(s)?
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20
Q: What can I see as a positive aspect about the hurt I feel from the person who offended me?
Bonus Golden Question: “How is what took place with this person/offender(s) purposeful in some way in my life?”
THE WORK: ACTION ITEMS
-Journal the situation–what part the person/people played, how it made you feel, what part you played in this that you take responsibility for, why you should forgive them according to the scriptures you examined above, and what final outcomes you desire.
-Make a list of as many things you can think of about the great qualities about this person/people. Take your time.
-Find Scriptures that will be your anchor references when you start to feel hard-hearted again. This could happen–forgivenss may need to be addressed more than once over time.
-Get advice from multiple (3-4 suggested) faithful mature Disciples/Christians about how to have a healthy conversation with the person/people, or if you should not discuss it at all with them.
-Pray for the person/people, the situation, your heart, and the outcome you wish to happen.
Take your time with this. Rise and shine bright.