It’s one thing when others talk about us, but it’s a whole other thing when we talk about ourselves. Have you consciously heard yourself talk about yourself and your neurodivergent experience? Is it positive or does it usually come out from a negative viewpoint? When you’re disappointed in circumstances or frustrated with a process or outcome, do you chastise yourself? Do you highlight your struggles or habits and condemn yourself?
After feeling rejected, yearning for approval, getting caught in a comparison trap, and trying to keep up with others and your own standards, negative self-talk can become our default. But the cycle stops here! Let’s look at what God’s Word says about how we speak and think about ourselves, why our words matter, and how we can replace negative self-talk with truth and grace.
1. The Words You Speak Have Power
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21
There is power in our words. Our words can bring life to something or kill something. When we talk negatively about the ways in which we function, our habits, our personalities, and our quirks, those words can keep us from progressing and bearing good fruit.
If we want to grow in grace for ourselves, show up more confidently, and thrive without constantly striving, we have to start using life-giving words in our heads and out of our mouths.
Let’s pay close attention to how we describe our experiences with ADHD, autism, OCD, dyslexia, or whatever we may be experiencing. Let’s love and use the power of words that bring life.
Action item: Start paying attention to how you describe yourself and your struggles. Are your words helping you progress, or are they keeping you stuck?
2. Speak to Yourself With Kindness and Compassion
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32
Unwholesome means to make sorrowful.
Grieve means rotten, corrupt, spoiled, worthless, or bad.
Ephesians 4:29–32 reminds us to avoid unwholesome talk and use words that build others up. We know we need to protect other people from poor speech, but what happens when those words are directed at ourselves?
Comments like “I must be so stupid,” “I’m so awkward,” or “I’m not going to be good at this” are not words that build us up.
The Holy Spirit is grieved when we use rotten, corrupt, or worthless words to put down the people He loves—and He loves you.
So, let’s be kind and compassionate to ourselves, too.
Action item: When you catch yourself criticizing your struggles, ask yourself whether you would speak to someone you love that way. Give yourself that same kindness and compassion.
3. Stop Helping The Enemy Lie About You
“…He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44
When we take a closer look at our negative self-talk, we can recognize that some of the things we say about ourselves are lies.
“I always drop the ball.”
“I’m such a procrastinator. I’m never going to get this thing done!”
“I’m not smart enough.”
These statements don’t just discourage us—they can keep us from seeing the truth about ourselves and our situations.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
Philippians 4:8 instructs us to think about whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Let’s start with the first one which is whatever is true.
Instead of saying, “I always drop the ball,” acknowledge the truth about what actually happened and what you can do differently next time to have a different outcome.
For example, the truth could have actually been, “I dropped the ball on that again. I’ve done this approximately three times. That means I need to try a different method of reminding myself this time. I’m totally capable of doing this. I just need a reminder.”
You’re not overlooking what happened but you’re speaking more truthfully and without condemnation which is actually productive.
Action item: When a negative thought comes up, ask yourself whether it’s actually true or simply how you feel in the moment. Then think about how you can do a reframe using actual truth.
4. Gracious Words Can Heal Yourself
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
Gracious words are sweet to the soul. They can feel like a hug of kindness and compassion when you need it most.
But here’s the other part of this passage: it says gracious words are also healing to the bones!
Gracious words go deeper than making us feel better in the moment. They heal us at the core—our structural level, the skeletal level—the bones.
That’s where the healing of workplace insecurity takes place. That’s where the healing of damage to our self-esteem begins—not just at work, but throughout our lives.
Action item: The next time you feel frustrated with yourself, try speaking to yourself with gentle gracious words.
The T.G. Test: A 3-Part Method to Change Your Self-Talk
Now let’s make this practical! These are three simple steps you can use to start changing your self-talk.
1. Pause
When you’re about to speak or think negatively about yourself, pause for three to five seconds. If you’re already in the middle of your thoughts, interrupt yourself and take that moment to examine what you’re saying.
2. Ask Yourself the T.G. Questions
T stands for Truth and G stands for Gracious. As yourself:
- Is what I’m thinking or saying actually true, or is this just how I feel?
- Am I showing myself grace in how I’m using my words?
3. Reframe Your Words
If your self-talk doesn’t pass the test, ask yourself how you can reframe it.
You can acknowledge that you made a mistake, struggled to complete a task, or had difficulty managing your time without calling yourself a failure, for example.
The goal is to speak truthfully and graciously to yourself. This will help you start building a practice of thinking and speaking that builds confidence, self-acceptance, and helps you stand against rejection, including the rejection that comes from your own words.
Let’s Discuss!
What was most helpful here? What do you do to change your self-talk that wasn’t mentioned—that could help others? Please do share! I’d love to hear how you’re navigating this topic or how you’d like to, starting today.
Share your thoughts in the comments below. I’ll reply!